They just don't get it!

Do most people have selective hearing or are they just thick? Are they so sure that what they say and/or think must be right that they can't hear what I am telling them? Or do they just not want to know?

It has come to the point of where I am tired of repeating again and again what I am looking for...to the same people. Why do they insist of splitting hairs? No, I'm not one of those who has a long list of requirements and none of my requirements are even physical (well besides for health), I just want someone who has the same long term outlook in life as I do. You'd think with so few demands it would be easier but boy do they drive me nuts. If I dare say no because the outlook is too different they come back to me with some of the small points (that can make up that outlook) and tell me how the boy is prepared to give in on those. That's very nice and very special.....BUT WE ARE HEADING IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!!!

Am I the only one who thinks long-term goals are important and that the way our boy (if we should have one) will or won't wear his peyos is not? There are times when I refuse to budge and discuss details and I stick to explaining over and over why long-term goals are important and how if these are basically in the same direction then smaller points can all be negotiated but those times just results in the person on the other end of the line labeling me as stubborn.

I can't win.

What friends put up with

Those of us who have been in the saga called shidduchim for a large number of years are probably almost desensitized to the comments and opinions made by others, from the 7 year old neighbor who thought he was being charmingly cute to Mrs Must-Wear-Black-&-I-Love-Gossip from down the block to the loud, supposedly caring, opinionated great-aunt, may she live to be 120 but not in my hearing. But we lot, who are still single, are a hardy bunch and have learnt to let what they say slip right off us, in some ways we may have even grown accustomed to them.

Today, I experienced a shift, any sympathy I had for myself has taken a short journey to my good friend. The poor woman has had to put up with enough. Besides for the constant questions she has to answer about me (none productive) she has now had to start giving judgment on why she, as I married woman with kids is friends with a 'single'. She has been asked, why she has chosen to be friends with me, what it is like being friends with a 'single', whether there are lots of uncomfortable moments, why I am not just friends with other singles, why she complicates her life by being so friendly with me, whether it is appropriate to invite me to a Sheva Brochos she is making, how she finds things to say to me...and some more!

I tell ya, the woman is a saint, I'd have long told all those people of go take a hike!

Finding ME

I come out from behind the curtains with my hands up. I admit, I'm guilty of neglecting my blog and its readers. It wasn't that I was much too busy dating, too busy with work or even too busy socializing yet still, I was busy, busy finding ME. Now finding yourself is a really hard and complicated task, some people go through life never finding themselves but I wanted to, I'm intrigued to what makes me tick, what makes me unique. Being that the choice was so large I began by narrowing the margins and excluding what I am not, that bit was fun and easy (last time I looked I wasn't a boy, married or hot dog vendor) but the choices left were still numerous. So I have spend the last few months working on this and slowly trying to figure it out and I haven't even finish but when I do...I will let you know.

Explaining marketing concepts to students

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

A tad jealous

As an avid blog reader to a variety of blog I am beginning to feel a bit jealous. Many posts now seem to mention end of year and start of vacation etc and hey I'm still working for 5 weeks!! Those in the USA enjoy a nice long 2 month holiday (office workers apart) while 'over the pond' the holiday is a mere 4 weeks. On the other hand majority of educational institutions here have a 10 -12 day holiday period at the end of December, which I believe that most schools don't have there. It still does not make up to 8 weeks...sigh, why do I always pick the short straw ;)

What to do....

I recently had to have a scan. B''h it wasn't for anything major and although I hope for a favorable outcome, as there is no life/death situation involved I was relatively calm. So after putting on an ICU (I see you) robe...well two actually as I still had to sit and wait in the waiting room for half an hour, I was told to lie down on this down tube-like bed and given a set of earphones to listen to some 'soft' music as it might be a bit noisy. Sounds comfy right? And as I can sleep through quite a lot of noise I thought it perfect for an afternoon nap, after all it was to take 30 min which is a lovely amount of time for a snooze. Then came that one instruction - 'YOU MAY NOT MOVE THROUGHOUT THIS SCAN' Okay I thought I can manage that, can't be that different to an x-ray. And then it started....

Now usually I haven't got a problem lying still but my brain decided otherwise, I suddenly felt so frigidity and spasmy my toes needed to wriggle and everything wanted to move. I tried going into the music...no luck, relaxing breathing....no luck, closing eyes.....even worse, quick open them again, by this time my brain was going into over-drive till I found an old favorite game to occupy me. As I could see the name of the machine stuck onto it, I tried to see how many words I could make using those letters and what was the highest word I could make.

Now my question to you - how would you occupy yourself for 30 minutes in a noisy environment without moving a cm?

Kosel...

I yearned for the kosel
A wall absorbed with tears
Worn with each caress
For thousands of years

A wall where each person
Pours out their heart
Barriers broken open
Emotions apart

Souls are all standing
Facing one direction
Praying, shaking, crying
Feeling a connection

As I stand with them
Surrounded yet alone
I look all around me
At the majestic stones

I search with my eyes
For what I not know
Something to move me
To help my tears flow

But much as I yearned
To come here today
Dry eyed I remain
With no words to pray

All plans and dreams
Of what I would say
As I'd stand by this wall
On this very day

The thoughts that soaked
My pillow each night
Have gone from my mind
Not one in sight

Please let me shed
Just one single tear
Say a few words
To the One I hold dear

I said a few words
Without any feeling
But the whole experience
Just leaves me reeling

I leave the Kosel plaza
Feeling disappointed and empty
Unable to reach out
To the Owner of plenty

Deja Vu?

Over the last year or two, it has been a bit rocky for me but b''h I have a few good friends who have given me time and a listening ear. One friend, who happens to be a bit younger than I, often got to hear a lot more than she bargained for. Now to tell you a bit about myself, well, I love analogies and they love me and needless to say whenever I couldn't find the words to how I was feeling, to explain the junction I was at, the decisions I was facing, a scene would form in my mind and I was able to help her understand where I was coming from. To be embarrassingly honest I didn't think too hard about whether she was facing similar questions or where she was in her life, I almost presumed that she would understand me being of almost similar age. It therefore came as I bit of a shock when she recently started to come out with stuff that that she is now going through, differently but not too different from I had been through about 8 months previous, she also began telling me how she only now understood what I had meant and began to quote some analogies back to me...it was an eek moment for me but it has left me a bit confused. Is it a help that I have tread the path before her and she has seen me come out the other side or have I confused her more as she is seeing similarities and now has all my analogies in her head....I am left wondering.

Second Anniversary

Numbers...
so much is centered around them...
anniversaries...
weight...
age...
given so much importance....
almost too much....
so what if it one more...
or one less...
or horrors of it two...
and how much is too much....
does any of it even make a difference?

Where do you hail from?

I usually blog around a title but this time haven't yet thought of a suitable one, so I will just have to write and then see what I can come up with afterward. I joined this blogging world near on two years ago (ooh, ideas for an anniversary post??) and a few of you first got to know me though my blog from that time. After some 'to'ing and 'fro'ing with wondering whether to write a blog again (never stopped reading them) I have settled where I am now and have b''h made some great blogger friends from over the pond. I guess it is when I read the blogs and comments and notice the teasing, easy-going chat between you bloggers that I realized - a lot of you know each other, a lot of you meet up, a lot of you have become friends. My friends here in England don't blog, they probably wouldn't even know what it is and I haven't told anyone about my blog either...it has sort of become the place that is exclusively mine, together with all of you of course, although not sure how that one works out but sure that you get what I mean :). Obviously, being here in England this isn't really a possibility of how to spend a Sunday afternoon (just the wee hours of the night!!) but I wondered, are there really no other bloggers out there from England? (I know that I have one as yet unidentified reader who wishes to remain nameless ;)) It would be nice to share your thoughts on a secret life.

Gut Yom Tov

Just to wish all my readers a good Yom Tov and enjoy the days for the fact that the mitzvah this Yom Tov is just that - to enjoy the fact that Hashem gave us Yom Tov and told us to enjoy it...so ENJOY ;)

Anyone?

I have a bizarre question for u readers....have any of you ever driven bare foot? Due to a range of weirdly embarrassing reasons I ended up doing that recently. Once my shoes were off, for the first minute or two I miss judged the pedals a bit as I was used to my feet being in a certain position - now there was nothing to lean against the floor and my feet were sort of in the air over the pedals but after getting over the disconcertedness (such a word?), the sensation felt quite free. It made me grateful that cars are not made from glass as I am not sure what other drivers on the road would have made of it. Then again the thought at what I was doing and knowing that no other drivers were aware got me giggling to myself....so any other nutters out there? :)

What you say defines you?

I recently injured my leg which meant that I suddenly had severe limitations imposed on my movement and more importantly independence. Seems, for some reason, word got around more than I would have liked but what really intrigued me was how the comments people made to me spoke so much about their very own essence. I am not talking about humorous comments regarding how ended up as I did but rather the views on how I should spend this 'extra time' I had suddenly acquired that required effort to fill as I was laid up and lessons I should be learning. In some I discovered new depths, others what they sought in their life and from others what was lacking. It then set me thinking, what advice do I give to others and what is it saying about me...actually, aren't we being defined every time that they speak. So I ask, although we are ourselves and we want to be naturally the way we are, what impression are we giving every time we open our mouths and what perceptions are being drawn up about us? Are we revealing our essence or what it is we are lacking? And most of all - do we practice what we preach?

NY Shadchanta

Those of you who have been more or less been following this blog will have noticed that besides for having European spelling (well I DO live there), although I make little secret of the fact that I am still single I have never posted about shidduchim and my experiences on that front. For most part I feel that there are plenty bloggers out there who have devoted themselves to this topic and it that would be v.hard to beat them and because there is just so much more to my life than 'that subject'.

Well, after a recent experience at the hands of a shadchanta in NY I'd like to throw a couple of questions out there - what is the weirdest question you have been asked? Are NY shadchanim more materialist than those in other parts of the world?

To set the record, I had never heard of this woman until she rang the place where I was staying in Brooklyn and said that she knew all about me and had heard such a lot and wanted to meet with me and I must fit her into my schedule. I asked her where she got my name and number from but she refused to say. After much arranging, cancelling and rearranging I finally found an evening that suited her and I just cancelled my plans and set off on a 45 min bus trek with just a torn piece of paper containing her address and directions, 'get off the bus, walk a bit, go around the corner and it's opposite the fish shop'. Needless to say I saw no fish shop and had to ask for directions (least I'm not a male!)

Knock knock, come in, take a seat. (Btw I whenever I hear that I always want to respond by asking where they want me to take it to but I held my tongue and behaved!)

Shad: I want you to make a brocha in my house, can I get you something to eat and drink?

Me: (I'd love some fried fish and fries and a chocolate milkshake, oh and put vanilla ice-cream in the shake - it adds to the flavour...Ok, JK ) No it's ok I am fine thank you (me blushing politely)

Shad: I insist (she is still sitting and the table is still empty) I always say one must make a brocha in my house.

Me: Ok, a glass of water would be fine

Shad: Why do you want water?

Me: (I want to put out the fire) I like it

Shad: But I only have soda water, you must drink that.

Me: Uh, I dont really like it, tap water is fine

Shad: What you don't like it? Who doesn't like it? Are you going to tell everyone I gave you tap water? It's only that I have run out of bottled water.

Me: Tap water is really fine thank you.

Fusses around brings water...brocha...says amen

Shad: Ok I like to begin with finding out the basic info. Name....Age...Address

Me: Name ...Age... Address

Shad: Oh but don't you live in xyz?

Me: No

Shad: Ah, but you don't live with your parents?

Me: I do

Shad: Even at your age?

Me: Yes, why not?

Shad: Oh, Ok, parents names..sibling...machatonim...chassidus...schools...shul daven....father's parnosah

Me:....and said father's parnossah

Shad: Oh but doesn't he do xyz?

Me: No, he never did. Really though, how did you get my name and info (she had said on the phone that she knew ALL about me but everything I said was either new or contrary to what she had somehow heard)?

Shad: I can't tell you but tell me, do you always wear your hair this length? You don't ever wear ot shorter do you? (Horror in the voice)

Me: It's usually about this length.

Shad: Would you consider growing it longer?

Me: Well this length kind of suits me and I would not wear a long sheital.

Shad: Oh phew so you do intend to cover after you get married.

Me: Er, sorry, do you mean with a hat - no, I wouldn't not. (We had been speaking about Chassidish levush earlier so wasn't sure what she thought)

Shad: So how much hair would you have sticking out

Me: None

Shad: Ah so you will wear a shaitel

Me: (Very confused - hadn't I said it earlier)

25 more min of irrelevant questions

Shad: Ok so here are some suggestions I think are suitable, can I arrange for you to go out tomorrow?

Me: Sorry but these names are not really suitable and they have been suggested

Shad: How about this - produces new name and gives me a summery.

Me: Ok, can I take the details and speak to my parents?

Shad: You ask your parents at your age?

Me: Yes, they are still my parents and deserve basic respect and in addition in my circle it goes through the parents.

Shad: But you are already --?

Me: Yes but I would still not consider dating without informing my parents.

Shad: Ok I will speak to your parents directly but personally I think that you are too proper for any American boy.

Me: (should I have apologized?) Thank you very much

On way out...

Shad: Do people in (where I live) all wear shoes like that?

Me: We each tend to wear what is most comfortable for us

Shad: Ok, I will call your parents, it was so nice to meet you but I must tell you I am very busy.

Needless to say...she never called!

To My Dear Friend

I had a very different type of post planned to put up to today, it was all ready, the words, font, layout, I could picture the whole thing in my mind and then I got a call. You decided that I deserved the zechus of taking challah with a bracha and was passing your opportunity onto me as you knew that I was not planning on making challah. Now that might seem nice but it wasnt just that, you live about 40 minute drive away and as I was not able to come out to you, you drove all the way to me (a 1.5 hour round trip in all!) I haven't forgotten that you are also b''h the mother of a quite a large family and this is on one of the busiest Friday's of the year...but you really wanted to and one can always find time for that which we really want (so you told me). You brought along the special Yehei Rotzon to say and all your ready-made dough and left me with a small bowl of dough and instructions so that I too could make a 'shlissel challah'. I told you that it wasn't necessary but you said that you wanted my house to smell nice too. You went home and did your challah and continously rang me to make sure that everything was going ok.

My dear friend, the way you spoke and behaved, it really wasn't a big deal to you, you never at any time made me feel that you where going out your way for me but I want you to know that although you will never read this tribute to yourself, you did something very special today and gave me a gift worth much more than that of the challah. You helped me to feel whole.

When kids came knocking...

As my parents are well past the child-bearing stage my house is quite adult orientated. We eat late and sort of lead our own lives while all living under the same roof, there is generally not much noise and things tend to stay just where u left them and the place is orderly. We don't have to be quiet in the evenings and we definitely don't do early mornings. We just...well sorta...live! We've had the married ones with their kids over loads of times for different yomim toivim and odd shabbosos but unless they have come alone for a shabbos treat, their parents are usually in tow. One unwritten rule in this house is you look after your kids and we will worry about the tidying and the rest of the place, simple and it works, but what happens when the kids come and their parents are not in tow and it is not just for a shabbos?? We (adults in my house) have had the pleasure of hosting some of the kids without their parents...and gosh it is hard work. What was once a sort of quiet house is now filled with incessant chatter, questions, whining and moods. Dont get me wrong, I love the kids, really I do but I'm so so tired, by the time I am putting them to bed I am fit for bed myself. So question for all you dear readers, where do parents shop for energy and where can I get hold of some?

Yours,

Miss very tired!

Snakes and ladders

It was just a game
I played when young
It was just a game
That I thought was fun

It was just a game
No more than that
It was just a game
I liked to win

And..

In this game
There are many 'ups'
In this game
There are just as many 'downs'

In this game
You use your skill and wit
In this game
You avoid all snakes

As...

Throughout this game
You get nervous as you rise
Throughout this game
There is a possibility to fall

Throughout this game
There are 2 or more players
Throughout this game
There is only one winner

But...

It's not just a game
Of forwards and backwards
Its not just a game
Ruled by a dice

It's not just a game
As I now see depth
It's not just a game
Its the story of life

However...

Unlike this game
Your life is no competition
Unlike this game
Each 'snake' is unique

Unlike this game
You have more control
Unlike this game
Everyone can win

Pre-pesach Reflections

Cleaning gives one a lot of time to think, reflect how the last months have been and plan the dreams of the future. It has been a very rough last year for a number of reasons but as I am cleaning I am finally feeling hopeful, not that what has plaguing me these last months will disappear but rather that despite what I believe, what is happening, where I am, I will get through it and He will help just as soon as I turn to Him. Reading the blogs of others has also helped and I am working on trying to put things into perspectives. Their nisyonos are not mine and are not meant to be but it is inspiring to see how despite struggling you are all unwilling to give up. So thank you all those who have shared your life online with many of its usually unseen details, those who have commented on my blog and encourage me to plod on and the special few who have given me something that is incredibly valuable but they shared it anyway - their time. I know that there will be many more ups and downs to come but I have hope that it will be 2 steps forward and one step back and not vice versa.

I know it seems that this is a good bye but its not - I'm not leaving....just reflecting :)

Purim reflections

It is no secret that many of those who were financially rich have lost money this year. It is no secret that those who were not well off previously are struggling more than ever. It is no secret that all local and international charities are dredging the last few coins from their coffers...which made the following scene all the more heart warming.

Along one long road within a predominately Jewish area every 50-100 feet there were a group of dressed up children and teenagers tentatively stopping cars. Each held a pushka or bucket of a different style and color collecting whatever coins were dropped in. And this is how these youngsters spent their day, for hours they stood there, children from all spectrum of the Jewish community, who would not even acknowledge to each other is the street, some may even ridicule the others, but shoulder to shoulder they stood, each determined to do their share, with a smile on their face and a thank you on their lips. And what made this picture even more precious was that each Yiddishe car driver stopped at EACH group and gave something to a few of those collecting, note that they had been stopped just a moment before and probably a moment before that too (there were I think about 6 groups along that road - on both sides of the road!). The drivers weren't getting irate as they usually would, there were very few honking of the horns at this slow movement of traffic but rather, each stretched out their hand to give and gave with a smile.

Yes, money may be tight, but it's not what you give but how you give!

Mi K'amcha Yisroel

Spring holiday

In many ways it has been a hard and long winter. Reflecting from outwards in, the state of the current economic crisis, the wars and terror attacks within the Jewish world, the suffering and high amount of deaths from unnatural causes within my community, have all added to the general slump of spirits. Within my own tiny world, I have lost count of the number of communications which were 'down' ones. Whereas a weekly shot of inspiration was once enough now it is needed twice daily, friends around me are gripping tightly to the edge of their world and feeling like the earth under them is moving and the level of sadness is rising. No, I am not exempt, I too have felt the whirlwind, I too have struggled.

After hearing a particular piece of sad news today I was staring out the window watching the thick grey clouds press down out the world, matching my mood and those of many others, when I saw it, I saw the first blossoms, those tiny white petals that speak of growth, renewal and a reminder that the sun will shine again. A remainder that the sadness would be lifted, the pain of loss would lessen, the world will continue and somehow it will all be alright in the end. Therefore I would like to put forward a proposal for a special spring holiday, a day in which work would be banned and a day where living in the outdoors would be compulsory, a day in which we should renew ourselves through observing beauty and growth around us and a day to just be at one with the natural world!

Going too fast

Someone forwarded this to me and it really made an impact. A strong enough impact that I wanted to share it!


THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, 'What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?'

The young boy was apologetic. 'Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,' He pleaded. 'I threw the brick because no one else would stop...' With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. 'It's my brother, 'he said 'He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up.'

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, 'Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me.' Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

'Thank you and may God bless you,' the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.

The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: 'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!'

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.

Morning

Its the morning after a long night.
A night of unrest,
A night of questions,
A night of confusion,
A night of uncertainty,
A night until sunrise.


Tomorrow has began...today!
A day of surprises,
A day of hope,
A day to conquer,
A day to try again,
A day to reshape until tomorrow.

The joy of freedom

No words can describe nor structured learning compete with the unbridled happiness of a group of girls, with boulders on their shoulders, finally let go of their multiple inhibitions and enjoy the energetic give and take of...

a full blown snow ball fight.

Away

run...
run...
run...

feet pounding
on the hard gravel

fast
.........faster
.....................faster
.................................faster
.............................................faster
.........................................................faster


laboured
breathing

..........................................................slower
..............................................slower
..................................slower
.....................slower
.........slower
stop!

When will I ever learn that I cannot run from away myself.

Ikea renames some products...

For those of you who are familiar with the regular names that Ikea uses for its furniture - this is a good one!


Welcome to Ikea Israel, where products include:

BILLIG – a cheap bookcase for all those extra seforim

NIDAH – a moveable bedside table

FRESS – an extra-long family-sized dining room table

GREPS – a carbonated soft drink available from the restaurant

BROYGUS – a new range of wedding invitations

SHLUF – a comfortable single bed (only single beds are available at this branch)

NINEDAYS – a healthy meat-free meal option

OSSUR – a budget computer system with Internet access

TOYVEL – a luxury, extra-deep bath

SHMUTZ – a strong shower gel

FRACK – a long jacket, available from the clothing department

GROB – an extra-large convenience meal with no cutlery

PONIMCHADOSHOS – a face pack for the Charedi lady

SHTINK – a room deodoriser

SHLEP – a set of heavy-duty suitcase, available from the luggage department

SHAA – a set of earplugs

EKEL – a rather sickly cake, available from the restaurant

YIDDISHKEIT – an outdoor toy for Jewish children

DREK – a toilet brush

SHMOOZ – a telephone

SHVITZ – a thick duvet, available from the bedding department

SHTEIG – a work desk, available from the office department

NACHAS – a family picture frame

You didn't ask

Tefilla is a topic very close to my heart for the huge struggle it represents to me. I know that I am not alone in this fight with the y''h and we all have this fight at some point over some issue. While for some it may be the kavana issue for me it is reaching out to my siddur, taking it in my hands and opening it up. Once I feel the weight of it in my hands I know that most of the fight is over but some days it is hard to get to that point. Therefore when I came across a small inspiring piece I thought that I should share it as if it inspires only one person to daven one small tefilla it will have been worth it.

I recently read a mashal about a boy who whilst playing in his garden came across a large rock and tries to move it. He pushes it hard again and again but it doesn't move. Frustrated he turns to his father stating ''I cant move it,'' but his father remains unsympathetic and tells his son to use all his strength and to try harder. The boy pushes with every bit of energy till he is sweating, he pushes this way, that way, tries pulling till he is aching, but with little success, not even a few centimetres. Turning to his father, he cries that it is of little use, but again his father tells him that he has not used all resources available to him. After another unsuccessful go, tired, frustrated and in pain the boy cries out that he has tried his best and can't anymore, he's giving up, he has no more energy and has tried every strategy possible to him, his father calmly replies...''my dear son, you do, you didn't ask me to help you!''

So Sorry

I will never know
Secrets buried deep

I will never know
The sweetness of your voice

I will never know
If I could have gotten through to you

I will never know
If I could have done more

I will never know
The child behind the eyes

I will never know
If you feel I failed you

I will never know...
Because you chose to leave.

Wishing you a life free of pain and much Hazlocha

Your teacher

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You stand in my class, as regular as clock work, watching, listening but unmoving, will you ever join in? What will it take to reach you and show you I care? What can I do to help you trust me? What has made you need to control? What is the secret behind those dark eyes of yours? You are not a fool, it is clear but wouldn't you pick up the pencil and prove that point to me? I have tried all my usual strategies, I have asked others for advice but still you remain, the observer. I'm not out to break you or prove myself stronger, I do not force you - but is this really what you want? I'm stepping towards you and opening the door....won't you please come inside?

The letter

Everyone approaches a newspaper differently. I tend to start from the back page as then I don't have to wait too long till I get to the letter page, my favorite part. This time was no different but one particular letter caught my eye and hasn't left my mind.

The letter sought a warm, yiddishe home for a baby girl with a disability, a family who would help support her medical and social difficulties. Her parents felt that they were unable to bring her up but would like there to be a possibility of contact in the future. It then went on to explain how they were appealing to the Jewish community as if no family were found the child would be placed in the central adoption system and would end up with a Non-Jewish family.

My reactions didn't shock me, my heart ached heavily and I sadly sighed for my impossible hopes and thoughts. I want to take in this girl, I want to care for her, offer her a home and help her develop and grow. Grand wishes but disappointingly, not possible. I am a single girl, not married and would therefore never be considered. In addition, which boy would ever consider a girl who had adopted a child, it would be social suicide, I'd be cutting all my chances, I wouldn't be allowed.

So one little girl out there is searching for a mommy and one big girl aches to be that mommy....

but

never
the

twain
shall
meet!

Dear Me,

Why am I hurting
Those I care about so much
The ones who stuck with me
Who were my crutch

Why am I pushing
Those I really want near
The ones who know
My one big fear

Why am I fighting
Those who want to be there
The ones not leaving
Those that care

Why am I running from
Those offering assistance
The ones giving me time
With least resistance

Why can't I accept
That they mean what they say
They aren't going to leave
They want to stay.

Betrayal

Arrow
Smooth pierce
Single entry point

**BOOM**

Explosion
Darts splintering
Pain all over

Why?

Innocent young kedoishim
Murdered while learning in Yeshiva...

Two boys being tortured
Far away in a Japanese jail...

Investments crumbling
Homes repossessed...

Mumbai Korbanos
While working for the Tzibbor...

Young Israeli soldiers
Risking their lives daily...

Each incident ripped us inside, caused us to stop in our tracks, think, feel and hopefully reach out with a cry of 'why?' to our Father in Heaven. B''h there are no answers to this frequently asked question and b''h we are still asking it. If we were ever to have answers to our questions of ''why'' we would stop asking them, which in turn would bring our downfall because and if we would stop asking we would stop feeling and if we would stop feeling our pain and the pain of others then we would stop crying out to Hashem, Hashem Who is causing all this and waiting for these moments....moments of our reconnection.


Based on a shiur by a Chabad Rabbi